Once upon a time, my youngest brother Jared was raising a pig for the County fair. I named the pig “Big Sexy”. I felt kinda bad that the pig would be sold at the fair and then slaughtered, so every once in awhile I would feed him treats. One day I walked up to the pig pen with a bag of baby carrots. Big Sexy started snorting and pushing his snout up against the fence, waiting for his treats. I held out some of the baby carrots for him to eat. Unfortunately, the pig couldn’t tell the difference between carrots and my fingers. I learned some important lessons that day:
– Don’t ever fucking feed baby carrots to a pig. They are too small. Feed him something long so you don’t have to get your fingers close to his mouth. I would suggest celery, cucumbers or your mom’s dildo.
– A pig’s mouth is made of steel. Big Sexy chomped down on my fingers so hard it felt like they were mashed to bits. The pig might as well have been god damned Trap Jaw from the He-man cartoon.
– Don’t feel bad about a pig being bought at the fair and turned into food. Pigs are dicks. I couldn’t wait to eat that pig. I personally drove to the butcher shop to pick up his tasty ass. We had pork chops, sausage, bacon, and it was awesome. Nothing tastes more delicious than when you eat something that tried to eat you. Suck it, pigs.