Thunderdumps: Twisted Metal

In our latest podcast, I reviewed the new Twisted Metal game (it was awesome). For the first time ever, there are some “racing” levels in the game. To beat the level, you have to hit all the checkpoints and finish the race first. Of course, you still have all your weapons, so you can blast people out of your way with ricochet bombs and homing missiles! And it’s hard to finish the race as Mr. Grimm when fucking Darkside pushes you off a cliff. It kind of reminded me of Mario Kart (one of our favorite titles of all time). Which got me to thinking, what if Twisted Metal and Mario Kart combined to form the ultimate game: Twisted Mario!!!

And before any nerds chime in, yes, there is a mod out there called Mario Kart Black, but all that did was change the colors and names of the Mario Kart tracks, and added sweet music. I’m talking about a real combo. If Tekken and Street Fighter can go head to head in a game, Twisted Metal and Mario Kart can too!

Half the levels would be straight up racing, and the other half would be survival. Can you picture roaming around in Bowser’s Castle as Sweet Tooth, waiting to smoke Princess Peach when she comes around the corner? Let’s bring the Mario Kart characters up to match the Twisted Metal ones. Mario, Luigi, Toad and Diddy Kong are small and maneuver the best, but have almost no armor. Bowser and King Boo are total beasts that will fuck you up, but can’t turn very well. We can keep the turtle shells in the game, but they’re really just bombs that blow up on impact. No more bananas though. Warthog’s tank doesn’t give a shit about running over bananas, or Yoshi’s face.

I would love to see the destruction that Twisted Metal characters would do to Mario Kart levels. Rainbow Road is gonna explode! Coconut Mall will burn to the ground. And finally, those annoying ducks on the Peach Beach will finally get what’s coming to them, power missiles up the ass!

Putting Mario Kart characters in Twisted Metal levels needs to happen. Seeing Birdo and Baby Mario trying to navigate around a spikey steel cage death arena surrounded by lava would be funny. They’d shit themselves, although Waluigi would probably feel right at home.

Just picture it: Axel and Toad taking the short cut through Moo Moo Meadows, while Sweet Tooth just slaughters the cows in his way. This would be the greatest game of all time!
– Eric

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Movies + Video Games = The Jumpmen Podcast
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